Episode 73: My Battle with Endometriosis with Alyssa Scolari, LPC
Episode 73: My Battle with Endometriosis with Alyssa Scolari, LPC
Endometriosis is an excruciatingly painful disease that is common among those with female reproductive organs, yet, there is little awareness on the subject. If you’ve ever had extremely painful periods but have been told to just take birth control, then this week’s episode is for you! Alyssa breaks down what endometriosis is and shares her own personal battle with this disease.
Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa’s guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com
Alyssa Scolari [00:23]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I’m your host, Alyssa Scolari. We’ve got a solo episode coming at you today. Thank you for your patience and grace last week. Last week was the first time that we recycled an older episode. I mean, I thought it was a good episode. It’s really kind of timeless that episode where it was, my husband and I talking about how he supports me through my journey to recovery from complex trauma. I think it’s a really, really important episode. I apologize. Obviously, these things might happen every once in a while. Thank you so much for your grace and understanding.
Alyssa Scolari [01:13]:
I know I popped on at the beginning of last week’s episode to just say, “Hey. Had a really bad week. Didn’t get a chance to do everything that we needed to, to put out this new episode,” but I wanted to elaborate a little bit more on that today. We’re talking about, as you can tell from the title, we’re talking about endometriosis today. We talked about PCOS a few weeks ago or probably over a month ago at this point. PCOS is a hormonal disorder. Well, it’s much more complicated than that. Go listen to that episode of Julie Duffy Dillon. She was amazing at explaining exactly what PCOS is but we are talking about endometriosis today.
Alyssa Scolari [02:02]:
Endometriosis is kind of like the, I think, less talked about and less diagnosed female reproductive disorder or disease because it is a disease. I had no idea that I had endometriosis until recently. In fact, it hasn’t been 100% confirmed yet. I will explain. I’ll explain in a little bit but let’s talk about what it is because through my experience in this process, so many people have heard of it. They’ve heard of the name but I’ve had a lot of people be like, “Oh, I’ve heard of that before but I don’t exactly know what that is. What is it?” Lots of people have heard of the name endometriosis, but not a whole lot of people actually know what it is. I am getting some information and some statistics off of womenshealth.gov, where it talks about specifically what this disease is.
Alyssa Scolari [03:07]:
Endometriosis happens when tissue that is similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus. It doesn’t really sound that scary but basically, what happens is, and my surgeon actually described it as like, the word that you use for lesions, where this tissue grows in places where this tissue should not be. It can grow outside of the uterus. It can grow on the ovaries. It can grow on the fallopian tubes. It can grow on the tissues that hold the uterus in place. It can be all over the outer surface of the uterus and it also can spread to your intestines. It can also spread to your bladder. This is a nasty, nasty disease. Again, extra tissue growing, okay, what does that really mean?
Alyssa Scolari [04:11]:
What that means is excruciating pain. When I say excruciating, I almost feel like I have to, I almost feel like I haven’t gas lit so much by medical professionals that I almost feel like I have to say this, when I say excruciating, I think you all should know, I have a very, very high pain tolerance, so when I say that this is hands down the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire existence, I am being 100% serious. In fact, I actually saw something and I can’t remember or I would tell you, I think it was on Instagram, I saw something a few weeks ago that said, “Endometriosis is actually one of the most painful disorders that any person can have or the most painful diseases that any person can have.”
Alyssa Scolari [05:04]:
Just to give you an idea of why having that extra tissue is truly and utterly debilitating. It causes pain. This isn’t just pain when you get your period. Oh, no. This is pain when you don’t have your period, this is pain during ovulation, you could have pain when you go to the bathroom, you can have pain on just a random Tuesday afternoon when you’re trying to do your job. This isn’t the case for everybody who has endometriosis. There are different stages of it. I’m not going to go into that but there are different stages of it and it also depends on where on your body the endometriosis is, but that’s what it can look like.
Alyssa Scolari [05:50]:
It can look like really heavy periods. It can also look like infertility. It can look like a lot of stomach and digestive problems, chronic fatigue, issues with hormones, you name it. Basically, endometriosis causes it. Chronic inflammation, which I have had and I have struggled with so much is inflammation like. I always use this as an example, for the last several years, particularly the last two years, I would say, my body becomes so randomly inflamed that my wedding rings actually don’t fit me anymore. It’s not a matter of like weight gain, yes, of course, I’ve put on a weight since I got married but the rings that I have fit me when I’m not inflamed but my body will randomly become so inflamed and so swollen that I will look down and notice that my finger, my ring finger is purple.
Alyssa Scolari [06:57]:
I could have had a day where I didn’t eat. Lots of people love to say, “Oh, well, what did you eat?” These salty foods, first of all, it doesn’t work like that. Thinking that you are going to be extremely, extremely bloated to the point where nothing will fit after you eat salty foods is kind of along the lines of diet culture. Of course, we expect some bloating with higher sodium foods but I digress that as a topic for another time and one which I’ve surely talked about on the podcast before.
Alyssa Scolari [07:29]:
Lots of inflammation I have had and I was on, so when I was 19 years old, I want to say, I went on birth control because my cramps were so severe. I remember as a child, just or teenager, what have you, I remember just sitting on my bed in the fetal position, rocking back and forth saying, “Why? Why? Why? Why does this hurt so bad? What’s wrong with me?” The pain was very severe when I was younger. I was 19. I was, that was what, 10 years ago because I’m yeah, I’m 29 now. It was 10 years ago. I went to the doctor for it and of course, all that we knew back then, 10 years ago, which was like, just go on the pill. Go on birth control. That’s what I did because that’s what everybody did, right? My family had a history of painful periods. It was sort of just like, “Well, this is what we do. We put you on the pill.”
Alyssa Scolari [08:40]:
Now, fast forward five, six years, and the pill, I ended up seeing this psychiatrist at the time who, she was amazing and she was incredibly holistic. She ended up teaching me a little bit more about my moods on the pill. I was incredibly, incredibly depressed and also very, very angry. I’ll get into how angry I was in a little bit but she was telling me that the pill can contribute to all of these things and I had no idea that birth control could cause my mood to get so bad. I feel like it’s kind of common knowledge now but I am telling you, I don’t know if I was just oblivious, I did not know this and no doctor ever told me that my mood would be affected by birth control.
Alyssa Scolari [09:39]:
When I say that I was like angry, I mean, I have memories of even just a few years ago, maybe three years ago with my husband, it would be the week before my period and I would rage, like snapping at everybody, and I wasn’t able to control it. That’s the thing. What I realized is that with your period when you’re off the pill, yes, you have these mood swings still, but they’re not as severe, they are more manageable and in my opinion, much easier to control.
Alyssa Scolari [10:25]:
When I was on the pill, and I should tell you that I have been on probably five different versions of the pill across my lifetime, all the time, every time I was in such a rage. I remember, it’s actually a little hard to admit this, but it’s the truth and it’s honestly not my fault but I don’t know, here we go. I mean, I remember like, having a breakdown one night when I was with David, and I just started punching the bed and taking the bed and screaming at the top of my lungs. I got on top of the bed and I just started hitting the bed over and over and over again, until I ran out of steam. That’s just not me. I don’t know. I have a lot of anger but I’m very good and always have been very good at using my anger productively.
Alyssa Scolari [11:36]:
One of my aunts used to tell me that I was really, really good at telling people to go to hell, while making people feel like they just got told to have a wonderful day, because I’m really, really good with my words and I’m very good at controlling my anger and using it in an appropriate way to set boundaries, to tell people how I feel appropriately, et cetera. For me to be hitting and screaming, and kicking and punching was honestly just not normal for me.
Alyssa Scolari [12:11]:
I know it got so bad and I remember that moment specifically, I was just screaming like, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. I truthfully didn’t understand why. I had so many good things going for me in that moment. There was no logical reason why I wanted to end my life in that moment but I was just in such a blinding rage. That’s not the only time. That’s just one example.
Alyssa Scolari [12:39]:
I do remember this other argument I had with my mom and it was about something, I don’t even know, it was something like trivial and I remember taking my key, the key to my car, which is like, those things are electronic these days and I slammed it down on the hardwood floor and it shattered everywhere.
Alyssa Scolari [13:04]:
I am not a violent person. I am a lover not a fighter. Anyone who knows me knows that but I was raging and it was horrendous. When I was seeing the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist, I actually while I was on the pill, my periods were a little bit better, they still were in great. I was still waking up in a lot of pain, having a lot of cramps, having to take 800 milligrams of Advil every, I think four to six hours, which was a lot on my body and I definitely should not have been taking but hey, what did I know? I just thought I was somebody who had bad periods.
Alyssa Scolari [13:49]:
It was my mood though, that was the really, really difficult for, the most difficult thing for me to manage at that time. I was seeing a psychiatrist a few years ago and she was like, “Look, I don’t know if you know this, but the pill can cause X, Y & Z mood symptoms, a lot of rage, a lot of suicidality, desires for self-harm, lots of depression, et cetera.” She was like, “I think this might be what’s contributing to some of your mood issues.” Obviously, I have depression outside of that. Obviously, I have anger and anxiety outside of that, but she really thought that the pill was contributing to my mood.
Alyssa Scolari [14:31]:
I came off the pill, literally not thinking it would be a big deal. This had to be, I’ve been off the pill now for over a year at this point. Well, I was off the pill. I’ll get into that. I came off the pill. Nothing would be an issue. What started happening is I would get my period, now, I was getting my period while on the pill, you get it like every 28 days is your cycle, off the pill, my cycle was like 20, 21 days, so I was getting my period every three weeks. Every month, it was getting worse and worse, and worse.
Alyssa Scolari [15:11]:
My PMS symptoms were getting pretty bad. They were not nearly as bad as they were on the pill. When my pain became an issue, I was still having increasingly bad PMS symptoms but what was increasing the most for me was the pain with every single period. I was in agony. I remember the first six months, it was like, when I was off the pill for the first six months, I was in pain but it was nothing that Advil, 800 milligrams of Advil every six hours couldn’t help to manage. I would still wake up in the middle of the night and then I would have to wait maybe two hours it would take for the Advil to kick in. I would go back to sleep. I just put up with the pain.
Alyssa Scolari [16:02]:
Looking back on it, I just wish that I could tell myself like, “Hey, Alyssa, this isn’t okay. If you’re having to literally survive on Advil for 48 hours straight just to get through your period every three weeks, we’ve got an issue here.” But that to me was like, okay, I can manage this but then the pain continued to get worse and I would say now over the last six months, it became unbearable.
Alyssa Scolari [16:34]:
The month before we moved, we were packing. I remember because we had boxes everywhere and I got my period. I was in such excruciating pain that I actually started hitting myself in my uterus, which I know can sound a little bit disturbing but I was in relentless, excruciating agony. It felt like somebody was taking a knife and just carving out my womb. I don’t even know how else to describe it. I ended up getting angry because the pain was coming every three weeks at this point. It was not subsiding. I did not know what to do. I was just beside myself.
Alyssa Scolari [17:26]:
My doctors had just kept telling me, because at this point, I started to talk to people about what was happening and my doctors were just kind of like, “Oh, just take Advil. You’ll be fine. Oh, just take Advil. Oh, you just have a bad period. Oh, do you want to go back on the pill?” I was like, “Well, no. I can’t go back on the pill because I’ve tried five different versions of the pill and they all make me suicidal.”
Alyssa Scolari [17:53]:
That night, things kind of came to a head and I just started honestly punching my uterus, and I had bruises for weeks to come. It actually really upsets me to even talk about it. I probably will get quite emotional throughout this episode because it’s been quite a journey to try to get help for myself. This was probably June, because it was right before we made the move.
Alyssa Scolari [18:22]:
July, I had severe pain again. August, even worse pain. September or August, I actually think I had to miss a block… We had a block party, right? We were new to the neighborhood. We have the best neighbors ever. Our neighbors were having a block party and they had like a prep night where everybody was kind of going over to this one person’s house and they were going to talk about all the things we were going to bring and whatever. I wanted to go because it was my chance to meet people and to get to know my neighbors. I got my period and I was in so much pain. I could not go.
Alyssa Scolari [19:05]:
August came I missed that. September came, got my period, had to miss a wedding. I actually RSVP’d yes to go to a wedding and I could not go. I was a no show, which I feel terrible for. It’s like really hard for me to tell people, “Oh yeah, I have period cramps,” because that doesn’t do it justice. I could not go to the wedding. I felt terrible because obviously these people paid for my husband and I to be there but I was in such excruciating pain. I couldn’t go.
Alyssa Scolari [19:42]:
At this point, as this is going on, I’m realizing that my quality of life is really diminishing, very, very much so. I actually was starting to get pains outside of my period. I was starting to feel these sharp pains actually in my vulva, everything is painful, sex is painful. I was like there is something not right. I went to a new doctor because we move to a new area. I went to this doctor in October, maybe late September, the beginning of October, and was telling her all of my symptoms and was telling her something’s not right. We’ve got to do something. She told me to go back on the pill. I told her, “No.”
Alyssa Scolari [20:32]:
I was like, at this point, I had started to really learn about all of the effects of birth control. We are going to talk about that. I actually have a very special guest coming on to talk about birth control. There was an amazing film that premiered at the New York Film Festival. She’s going to come on. I am really, really excited to talk about that but that’s for another episode. I had already known all of the risks to the pill at this point. I had been doing my own research, learning things that doctors and medical professionals had failed to tell me, which was my right to know. I just said, no, I don’t want to go on the pill. She was like, “Well, it’s kind of your only option.” She was like, “It sounds like you have endometriosis but the only way to diagnose that is through surgery and that’s invasive. We can just give you this diagnosis, and you can go on the pill and we’ll call it a day.”
Alyssa Scolari [21:30]:
Please don’t even get me started. That was the worst, one of the worst appointments I’ve ever had in my life because I was just telling her how much pain I was in and she was like, “Well, why don’t you try loading up on Advil the day before you get your period? I have a strong feeling that’s going to help you.” She wasn’t listening. Oh, she also added, “Yeah, this is going to kill your kidneys to do it but honestly, it’s just going to keep you out of pain. It will be a hit to your kidneys but it is what it is. Your kidney should bounce back.” What? What the fuck?
Alyssa Scolari [22:12]:
I did not like that, didn’t like that answer at all and felt extremely unheard. After I got out of there, crying hysterically, I ended up calling my old OB-Gyn in New Jersey, who I liked, I think that she listens to women and validates their pain and I know that she, I think she’s a good doctor. I ended up calling her and scheduling an appointment. In the meantime, I had another period and this was the one that honestly, I thought it was going to kill me. I haven’t, I mean, I genuinely thought I was going to die.
Alyssa Scolari [22:55]:
This was like October, it was a Columbus Day weekend. I’m going to say around like October 12 or so. The pain woke me up at 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday and I was screaming and agony until probably 6:00 or 7:00 a.m. I had taken a pain medication, didn’t touch it. I was vomiting. I was bleeding extremely heavily. I couldn’t stand up. My body was shaking so badly. I actually started to black out. I started to see spots. I thought I was going to pass out. I literally thought I was dying. I have never felt anything like it in my life and I never want to feel anything like it again.
Alyssa Scolari [23:58]:
My husband actually emailed this doctor that I saw in Pennsylvania, which is the state we just moved to and was like, “Hey, this is what’s going on. Taking Advil the day before, didn’t help. Didn’t touch it. This is the worst period she’s ever had.” At that point, the doctor was like, “Okay, this is sounding like we need to go send you for this, on ultrasound, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Well, I had already made an appointment with my doctor in New Jersey.
Alyssa Scolari [24:33]:
Long complicated story short, I got an ultrasound with a transvaginal ultrasound, which is something that they like to do to rule out other things. Endometriosis can sometimes show up on ultrasounds, but it typically does not. It’s kind of like a let’s rule this out type of thing and make sure that there’s nothing else going on. I did that, which was for a sexual abuse survivor, extremely traumatic, to have somebody inserting something. Thankfully, the woman who was doing the ultrasound was extremely compassionate and definitely very, very trauma aware. She asked consent before every move that she made. I cannot say enough good things about her but I had that. The ultrasound showed nothing.
Alyssa Scolari [25:22]:
My OB-Gyn, the one that I like in New Jersey, recommended an endometriosis specialist. She was just like, “This sounds like it’s exactly what you have and we are going to send you to this endometriosis surgeon.” That was in October, and I called, tried to get in and of course, no appointments were available until December. At that point, I knew I was never going to survive another period like that, because if the pain didn’t kill me and endometriosis, the pain can’t kill you. It feels like it’s going to, but I honestly was becoming very suicidal at being in so much pain. I was worried that I was going to hurt myself as a result of being in so much agony that it just simply wouldn’t end.
Alyssa Scolari [26:22]:
I had to make the very difficult decision to go back on the birth control pill. That is what I am on now. It has caused so, so, so many mental health issues for me. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It has done everything that birth control did for me in the past, in terms of like making me very depressed, making me angry. Now, luckily, I’m taking some more supplements that are supposed to help with the severe mood swings from the pill. This is just a Band-Aid. I don’t plan to be on this forever but I’ve also had, because of how severe the pain is and because of the nature of endometriosis, which by the way, I should mention that endo actually affects about 1 in 10 women. It’s likely, well and that’s just I should say, that’s an American statistics. That’s a USA statistic.
Alyssa Scolari [27:23]:
I actually tried to do some research on the statistics for other countries. I found that it’s basically the same pretty much anywhere. I know in Australia, I saw that it’s a like around 1 in 10 women but that’s just what we know. That’s just what we know of because the fact of the matter is, women are not taken seriously or as seriously as men are, when it comes to their pain. We are written off as being the weaker sex and our pain is not taken seriously. It takes an average of seven years to get a diagnosis for this disease. That is how long women suffer because women are told to suck it up, to take Pamprin or Midol or Advil or use a heating pad, or whatever the fuck else women are told because their pain is not taken seriously.
Alyssa Scolari [28:14]:
It takes years to get this diagnosis and because women are not taken seriously, I actually suspect that the rate of endometriosis is much higher. Listen, I’m no researcher, I am no scientist, so don’t quote me on that but just knowing my experience, and also knowing some of the people that I work with that have pretty severe periods that at this point, have internalized the medical industry gaslighting of like just suck it up, I would say that statistic is actually higher.
Alyssa Scolari [28:48]:
In addition to the pain and having to go back on the birth control, which I’m still in pain, by the way, I actually, being on the pill last night, woke up, was woken up in pain at 4:00 a.m. and was crying and screaming in pain for two hours, which is better than not being on the pills, better than the five or six hours and it isn’t a level 10 pain. It’s more of like a level seven or eight pain. It’s better but it’s still completely disrupting my ability to function. When that pain hits, that’s it. I can’t do anything.
Alyssa Scolari [29:32]:
It has caused me to lose sleep, which has caused me to be sicker. It has caused me to have to take off of work. It has caused me to have to miss out on things. I have had to plan my life around when I’m anticipating I might be in pain and on top of it, it has given me severe gastro issues, severe stomach problems. I can barely eat anything. I don’t have an appetite. Everything makes me sick. Everything I put into my stomach bothers me. I’m also weak from not being able to eat a whole lot.
Alyssa Scolari [30:15]:
Actually, my period was so bad a couple months ago that I ended up having what I believe was a stomach ulcer from the stress of being in so much pain. I was vomiting. I couldn’t keep anything down. I ended up having to go see a GI doctor, who then did a endoscopy. I had to get put under anesthesia. I had to go have an ultrasound on my stomach, all this shit and I truly didn’t know that the stomach issues were a result of the endo but I do know that now. When I say that this disease is debilitating, it is absolutely debilitating and gets worse every single time.
Alyssa Scolari [30:59]:
In terms of what causes it, now, my surgeon told me that an estrogen dominance causes it or can cause it, I do believe that’s the case for me because I do have other symptoms of estrogen dominance. What causes an estrogen dominance? Beats the hell out of me, quite frankly. We have a very, what is a common disease, right? One in 10 women, millions of women, and potentially even more suffering from less and the kicker is that there is no cure for this at all. The only way to formally diagnose endometriosis is through a laparoscopic surgery and that is where they kind of scrape it all off.
Alyssa Scolari [31:48]:
Now, I went to go see a surgeon in early December, and I scheduled my surgery. I was told, “Yeah, there is no cure. Pretty much the only treatment is you can get the surgery and you can see if it comes back, sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. You can be on birth control for the rest of your life. You could take other hormonal suppressants for the rest of your life or you can get a hysterectomy,” which was devastating news and continues to be devastating news. There is a good chance that the endometriosis has left scarring, which could potentially lead to infertility.
Alyssa Scolari [32:38]:
Endometriosis often does lead to infertility. I’m also now dealing with that. I’m going to be 30 on January 6 and quite frankly, I definitely saw myself preparing to have children at this point. I don’t know if that’s even possible and if it is possible, it was recommended that I start trying to have children one month after my surgery, and that if I can’t get pregnant within a few months, I’m going to have to go back on the pill, or there’s a chance it could grow back. It’s like, my head has just been spinning. This entire process has been so traumatic and we are sort of being forced to make all of these decisions that we weren’t ready to make. I’m just, honestly, it’s been very depressing. It’s been really depressing.
Alyssa Scolari [33:42]:
I think my husband and I are both feeling very burnt out by the weight of this disease and what it means for our future. I feel very, very triggered because I’m now being told by a doctor that I have to be on a strict schedule with trying to get pregnant and honestly, that’s very triggering for a sexual abuse survivor, because I never had control over my womb when I was younger, and I still don’t have control over it now. I am so mad that I have to be in this much pain and suffer like this. I am so mad that my quality of life at 29 is absolute bullshit. I see my friends and other people going out and having fun and enjoying their lives and I can’t do that because I am tired all the time. If I’m not tired, then I’m in pain and if I’m not in pain, then I’m nauseous because of the stomach issues. I’m just beyond exhausted.
Alyssa Scolari [34:56]:
It has been a long, traumatic journey and I am very blessed to have clients, my work, my job, who understand because I can’t show up for them every week as promised. Consistency in therapy is very important to me but I’m not able to provide that to people. I’m really fortunate to have people who understand and are supportive but I just feel really shitty. Listen, I recognize other people have it worse. I understand that but this is just where I’ve been at.
Alyssa Scolari [35:43]:
Last week, when I was supposed to record a podcast episode where I was talking about all of this, but I was so defeated and depressed from the news at the doctor’s appointment, which was like, “Yup, you got to have surgery and oh, if the endometriosis has spread to your bladder, then you’re going to have to have another surgery after that with a urologist and if it has spread to your intestines, and we’re going to have to refer you to a colorectal team for a third surgery potentially.” It’s just like, I see nothing but doctor’s appointments in my future. I hate it.
Alyssa Scolari [36:24]:
Yeah, I understand that people have it worse but right now, I’m just kind of in my feels. I’m sharing this with you all not really for pity, because I don’t want pity. I’ve actually really hesitated to tell much of anyone in my life because quite frankly, I don’t feel like having to deal with any potential triggering responses. I know people mean well, but sometimes people say things that are just upsetting. I am too triggered right now to be able to receive any of that and understand that people’s intentions are good. I’m not really sharing this because I want pity. I’m sharing this to spread awareness about this disease, because women are constantly told that their pain is not bad enough.
Alyssa Scolari [37:20]:
If you have female reproductive organs, whether you identify as transgender, whether you identify as a man, whatever you identify as, if you have reproductive organs and you have extremely painful periods, do not stop until you get to the bottom of why your periods are so painful because your period should be uncomfortable. It should be an inconvenience. It should not be debilitating. I share this with you to let you know why I’ve been a little bit MIA and I share this with you to let you know that if you struggle with any of this, please go and see doctor after doctor after doctor until somebody takes your pain seriously, because you owe that to yourself.
Alyssa Scolari [38:17]:
As for me, I am hanging in there. Luckily, the pill has helped with the pain but has made my mental health much worse, unfortunately. I am very thankful to have a husband who understands that I’m just not myself right now. He is helping me in the best way that he can. I know that I’ve mentioned that I have had, the pill does make me suicidal. That was my dog. Don’t mind that. I know that I’ve mentioned that the pill does make me suicidal. I just want to come back and clarify, I have zero intentions to act on my urges. I will not act on my urges. I see those thoughts and I immediately tell them to somebody. I tell them to my therapist. I tell them to my husband and I keep myself safe because I know that this is going to end and that there is light at the end of this tunnel.
Alyssa Scolari [39:17]:
Things feel really, really dark right now. And I don’t feel good emotionally or physically, pretty much ever but I know that things are going to get better. Whatever you may be going through, I need you to know that things are going to get better as well. If you are struggling and you are in a really dark place, hey, me too. We got this. We can still continue to show up for ourselves. Make sure you tell somebody because the more you talk about it, the less powerful those thoughts and urges become.
Alyssa Scolari [39:55]:
I’m physically going to be okay at some point. I emotionally will be okay. At some point, I have no intentions to act on my urges. I just want to make that very, very clear. I will be fine but I’m not fine right now. If you are not fine right now like me, I need you to go tell somebody. If you tell somebody and that person writes you off, I need you to go tell somebody else. If they write you off, then I need you to go on tell another person. This world can feel unkind and it can feel like nobody’s listening, which is why I need you have to listen to yourself, first and foremost. If somebody is telling you, it’s not that bad but you’re saying, “Oh, yes, it is that bad,” I need you to trust that because your health could depend on it.
Alyssa Scolari [40:52]:
Thank you for listening. My surgery is January 27th. I have never been more excited for a surgery. I am praying that I only need one. I will hear a lot more about what’s going on in my uterus after the surgery. I will update you all. Yeah, I love you all. Thank you for listening. I am holding you in the light. We will be back next week with a guest episode.
Alyssa Scolari [41:28]:
Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram we are at Light After Trauma and on Twitter it is at Light After Pod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Please head on over. Again, that’s patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support.
Alyssa Scolari [42:08]: