Episode 22: I Found The Light
Episode 22: I Found The Light
In this solo episode, Alyssa closes out the year 2020 with a heartfelt thank you and a message of encouragement as we head into the new year.
Alyssa Scolari [00:23]:
Hey everybody. Happy holidays. This is the first holiday season that I’ve been able to experience as a podcast host and this will be the last episode for the year of 2020. I just wanted to pop on and do a short solo episode today as we gear up for the holiday season, well, we’re actually in the home stretch of the holiday season. But I just wanted to come on and do a little recap and say, thank you to all of the listeners out there. So this episode will be somewhat short and sweet.
Alyssa Scolari [01:12]:
2020 has been, I don’t know, one of the worst and best years of my life and the lives of many others. And as a disclaimer, I don’t profess to know what it’s like to have COVID, I thank God have not had COVID yet. I’ve had close family members that have had COVID, but I haven’t had anybody who has been lost to the illness. And I do not for one second, pretend that I know what it’s like to be a healthcare worker on the front lines, because I simply don’t. I’m technically a healthcare worker, but I’m a trauma therapist. So my safety is not at risk every time I go to work, I luckily have been able to work from home. But it’s still been really difficult, it has been traumatic. Whether you have a history of trauma or not, the year 2020 has been extremely traumatic. And I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this year, especially in the last, I’d say six months or so. And I’m doing my best to try to pull the good out of 2020, because there’s been sickness and death and riots, and some of the most inhumane acts that you could possibly imagine. And I’m trying very, very hard to find the good in it.
Alyssa Scolari [03:04]:
So in all the reflecting that I have done, and I apologize as a little side note if you hear some voices in the background, it might be my husband, our house was small, we were in the process of trying to move. We actually sold our house, but unfortunately, a couple of pretty unfortunate events happened in our lives and we just decided that the time wasn’t quite right for us to move. So we’re pushing it off a couple of months. It’s a little quiet in my little town home, but if you hear voices, it’s probably Dave.
Alyssa Scolari [03:43]:
So anyway, I digress. When the year first started, I can’t even really remember what January and February were like, they were pretty dark months for me before the pandemic hit. As I was still going through uncovering repressed memories of trauma. I was in therapy four days a week and the months were just difficult. I didn’t look forward to turning 28, my birthday is January 6th. And now here we are a year later on top of the pandemic and quite honestly, I’m really not looking forward turning 29. And that could certainly be the depression talking, which I think we are all experiencing. I have found that in my private practice, in my career more now than ever, the depression and the isolation and the suicidality, it runs deep. It runs deeper than I’ve ever seen it.
Alyssa Scolari [04:53]:
The other day for the first time I found myself crying for my patients. I have a child who is trying to move through guilt after having a parent who is in a coma. I have another child who is homeless. I have families that have just completely shattered and fallen apart as a result of COVID and the demons that it has brought out in us. And I found myself just sobbing because as much as I want to help and I want to change everything and I want to fix everything, I can’t. I can only be there in the ways that I’m allowed to be, but as therapists we’re not fixers and we’re not miracle workers and at best we help you to find ways transform your own life.
Alyssa Scolari [06:01]:
So I’ve been feeling a little bit helpless because it just seems like there’s so much tragedy in the world and not a whole lot that I can do. And then I thought of this podcast and I realized that this podcast truly has been the light that has come out of all of this chaos in the year of 2020. When I started this podcast, I figured that if five people listened and their lives could be changed somehow for the better that it would all be worth it. And now here we are at the end of 2020, and we have nearly 2000 downloads and the downloads spread across five continents and dozens of countries. And you all are tuning in worldwide to hear my voice and the voice of other trauma survivors. And to hear this message repeatedly, that there is light in the aftermath of trauma.
Alyssa Scolari [07:12]:
So in the spirit of trying to find the light in this awful pandemic, I have realized that this podcast is the light. And I have realized that by relation, I am the light. And starting this huge project that I never thought in a million years would take off as saved me in more ways, which I could possibly count. I have found myself meeting incredible trauma warriors who have fought the good fight and have taken all the pain that they have endured and have created such beauty from it. And I find myself inspired every single day by the work that I do through this podcast and through the blog and by the support that I have from all of the listeners out there. I just want you all to know that as much as I may have helped you, you all have helped me a million times more. Because there have been some very dark days this year, not just COVID related, but I ended a relationship with somebody who was extremely close with me, selling the house fell through and just a million other things that unfortunately at this point in time, I can’t even get into have sent me into a really bad place. The depression has run very deep in myself.
Alyssa Scolari [09:04]:
But I am blessed because I get to wake up every day and I get to plan and I get to meet new people and I get to record podcast episodes with folks from all over the world and find out what they did and how they recovered from their trauma. And then I get to go into my office and I get to sit with kids and adults who I have the utmost respect for. I don’t know what anybody thinks about the way therapists feel about their clients, but I can tell you this, it is not an emotionless profession, it is the exact opposite. I have a caring and concern and respect and love for my clients that I could never possibly put into words. And I feel honored that I get to hold space for them to be able to walk their journey to healing.
Alyssa Scolari [10:06]:
So this is my light. This is the light that I have found. And it’s so ironic because when I named this podcast Light After Trauma, I had no idea what the rest of the world had in store for me. Right after I named this podcast, I was in the hospital. And then from there on out a slew of extremely, the best way I could put it is like just a series of unfortunate events occurred. And I had no clue at the time when I had this idea to name the podcast Light After Trauma, that I would be the one who needed the light. And I know that there are so many other people out there that need the light as well and I am glad, and I am grateful and I am beyond blessed that this podcast has been able to be a light for some people.
Alyssa Scolari [11:09]:
But I also want you all to know that because of you, because of the support and because of the downloads, I was able to find the light in myself as well. So I know that the holidays this year are going to look much different than they normally do. And I don’t know what that might mean for you, I don’t know if you’re spending time with family, if you’re not spending time with family. Whatever it may mean and whatever you end up doing for the holidays, please always remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is light that can be pulled from the darkness. Whatever you do, please just always know that things will get better, keep hanging on, keep hanging in there. There’s a new year ahead.
Alyssa Scolari [12:07]:
Listen, I’m not big on new year’s resolutions and if anybody right now is listening to this and is considering adopting some sort of like a weight loss style for their new year’s resolution, I’m just going to tell you right now, please don’t do that, it will fail. Not because of you, but because diets never work. So let me not even get on my diets don’t work pedestal because that’s not what this episode is about. This episode is really just about thanking you for supporting me and for hearing my voice, because truly nothing has been more healing than to be able to have this podcast and to be able to speak to all of you. So happy, happy holidays. Please try to find whatever joy you can in the days that remain in 2020, I will see you in 2021.
Alyssa Scolari [13:10]:
I already have some great content lined up for all of you. I know my clinical supervisor, Rebecca Christianson, and I are already starting to put our heads together to do a series on grief. So we’ve got a lot of good stuff coming up and I am excited for where this podcast takes us. Happy new year.
Alyssa Scolari [13:35]:
Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode for more information about today’s episode and to sign up for the Light After Trauma newsletter, head over to my website at alyssascolari.com. I’m also on Twitter and I’d love to chat with you guys. Be sure to follow me. My Twitter handle is Alyssa Scolari. Thanks again for listening and take good care.