No one likes it when they feel as though they aren’t being heard. For me, over the years, not being heard has become a debilitating trigger. Sometimes it feels like all I do is scream at the top of my lungs and people don’t seem to hear me – especially when it comes to my health.
I have known for months, if not years, that something is wrong with me. But because of my history of trauma and because of my weight, I typically get one of two responses from doctors, therapists, etc.:
1. “It’s the trauma! Your body is holding so much pain.”
2. “It’s your weight. You’d feel better if you worked out a little bit.”
I mean, I typically would say “don’t even get me started” when it comes to healthcare providers saying this type of stuff, but who am I kidding? We all know I’m about to get started!
1. Perhaps this is shocking coming from a trauma therapist, but I truly don’t believe that every single sickness is a manifestation of trauma. Sometimes people are, in fact, sick. I don’t know how many times I tried to tell my therapist “my body hurts, I’m so tired. I cant function” only for him/her/them to go “Well of course! It’s the trauma!” This therapist believed that people get illnesses due to undigested trauma, and while I do absolutely agree with that, I don’t think that means that trauma therapy is the be-all, end-all cure. I think I needed a medical doctor, stat, but never got one because I was told the trauma therapy would cure it all.
2. Ah, the “It’s your weight” comment – a personal favorite. Here’s my truth: You could put me in a boxing ring with a man ten times my size, and STILL, the strength of my right hook alone would knock him off his feet. So what is it that these doctors want me to do when they tell me to exercise more? Push-ups? Not a problem. Deadlifts? Child’s play. Planks? Sure! Triathlon? Let’s go!
And the most dysfunctional thing of all about doctors telling me to move my body more is that they incorrectly assume that exercise is a weight-management tool (it’s not!!!). Doctors are taking one look at me, observing that I’m fat, and assuming I’m lazy (not true for anyone, fat does not equal lazy). Therefore, in their minds, the solution must be that I need more exercise.
Thus, because of my weight, because of my trauma history, I am stigmatized. I am not heard. And quite frankly, I’ve been getting downright disgusted by it. A few weeks ago after being told by yet another doctor that nothing is wrong, I was ready to quit and live the rest of my life only maybe 40-50% of the type of person I knew I could be if I were feeling better. But thankfully I have a supportive partner at home who reminded me that I have never been one to give up or take “no” for an answer.
And so I continued to fight. And over the last few weeks, my fighting is starting to pay off. I have seen multiple doctors who have run tests on me that have never been run. I went back to a doctors office for the second time in a month and requested a new doctor because I didnt’ like the answers I got from the previous doctor. And this time, I got a few more answers. I was HEARD. This doctor, bless her sweet soul, sat down next to me and handed me tissues as I cried and told her how horrible I felt. She validated me, listened to me, comforted me, and after an examination she gave me a diagnosis. She confirmed that what is going on with me is NOT my fault and that my weight gain, fatigue, and chronic pain is a result of this diagnosis, NOT a result of being lazy.
I am now being referred to a doctor who specializes in this specific autoimmune disease, as my doctor suspects that I have multiple autoimmune diseases that are contributing to my symptoms. All in all, I still don’t have all the answers. I have a few different doctors that have varying concerns ranging from issues in my brain, potential loss of vision, multiple autoimmune diseases, etc.
But low and behold, people are finally listening to me. I have no idea what will come of the journey ahead, but I am so much more hopeful knowing that people are hearing me, believing me, and truly wanting to see me feel better.
It’s so easy for us to fall into silence and not question anything when a doctor is not giving you the proper time and attention that you deserve. But it’s so important to push through your triggers and never stop fighting for your right to be heard. You know your body better than anyone else, so if you feel as though something is wrong and you are not getting the answers you want, use your voice! Use it one time, ten times, or a hundred thousand times if need be and I promise you that someday, someone will hear you and someone will provide you with the answers for which you’ve been searching.